Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
