just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
