I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
