Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
