Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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