If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
