i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
