Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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