i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
