I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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