Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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