Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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