I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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