All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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