he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
