Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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