I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
