i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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