you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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