So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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