i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
