Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
