At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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