Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
