My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Randomize
