I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
