I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
