GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
