so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
