I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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