Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
