I want to walk on stilts...naked
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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