Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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