At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
