I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Randomize
