Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We need a shit load of segways right now
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize