the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
