I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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