if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize