and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
