no, he came in my armpit
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
