So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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