phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
