last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
