I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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