drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
