I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
