I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
