Three words: puerto rican gang bang
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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