He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
