I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
