My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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