I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
