I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
