just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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