I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
