my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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