Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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