So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he thought i was a dude.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
