Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
